Ten Things I Dislike On A Golf Course

This may come as a shock to many of you reading, but despite my tongue twisting European surname and the five (maybe 25) extra pounds I carry around in my bread basket, I hate pasta. I don’t care to eat it, cook it, see it or smell it. I wouldn’t shed a tear if it failed to exist when I wake up tomorrow morning.

And that’s how I feel about these ten things I dislike on a golf course (in no particular order):

Beverage Carts

A golf course with a beverage cart is like a grocery shopper with coupons. Get out of line, get out of my way and let me get on with my day. Nothing irks me more than waiting on a foursome parked in the middle of the fairway purchasing 12 tall boys every second hole trying to get the cart girl to go out with them. It’s one of the five pillars of slow play in my fast play bible. And if beverage carts were obliterated from the planet, the golfing gods would be pleased.

The Debilitating Practicer

This is the golfer who takes so many practice swings YOUR back starts to hurt. Removed so much turf before hitting the ball that the person who aerates the greens is jealous. Can build another hole with the hole he just excavated. If you need five practice swings to get set for your shot, you shouldn’t be on a golf course — I recommend landscaping.

Reverse Carters

Beeeeeeeeeeeep. When I’m ready to hit my golf ball, there’s nothing in the world that can distract me. I can play through an explosion and not know it happened. But the sound made by reversing carts is like nails on a chalk board.

The “Let Me Try Your Clubs” Guy

This is the guy who just finished relieving himself in the bushes that are too close for comfort, walks towards you with wet hands and proclaims, “let me try your driver.” Um, how about no? And here’s a Wet Ones for your troubles. Clean yourself up.

The Commentator

Hosel rocket! Thin to win. A little chunky. Necky. Where did that come from! That’s gone. In the bunker. It’s in the drink. It’s in the trees. It’s in the bushes. You’re OB. Excuse me fellow playing partner that I’ve never met before, what are they paying you for the colour commentary? I’ll pay you double to shut your trap or my ball won’t be the only thing OB.

The Two-Ball Torturer

Too many magicians play golf, but I’ll give them credit for perfecting the ultimate trick. Teeing up a second ball before the other has left the clubface is an art reserved only for the worst of golfers. Try it and you may just pull a hamstring.

The “I’m The Only One On The Golf Course” Guy

Some people are born with tunnel vision; most of those people play golf. But no worries friend, I’m always ready to halt play so you can hit your low punch, butter cut, hosel rocket that ended up smack dab in the middle of my fairway. Really, it’s no trouble. The other 150 golfers playing today took up the game to bend to your will. Oh, and please, please, please leave without as much as a wave for our efforts. FORE!

The Know-It-All Starter Who Is Slightly Too Impressed By His Own Course

I know you love the adrenaline rush of telling people what to do and that you’re in love with the course that’s letting you play for free, but that’s no excuse. For one, listing off the 20 commandments of standard golf course etiquette isn’t going to prevent that complacent fescue magnet from driving through your environmentally sensitive areas or speed up play. Secondly, your golf course isn’t the holy grail.

The Plumb-Bobbing Multi-Reader

If you feel the need to read your 4-foot putt from eight different angles and return to plumb-bob it from behind, I want to poke your dominant eye out. It’s no wonder you’re having a tough time determining where vertical is. I’m surprised someone from the group behind you hasn’t made you horizontal.

Golfers

Period.

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Showing 2 comments
  • Adam
    Reply

    Release the curmudgeon. Excellent.

  • John Fancy
    Reply

    This is fantastically hilarious. I couldn’t stop laughing.

    Great stuff.

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