Ignore me at your peril, Captain Love
EATON, FYSHE, & LOVINET
Baristas and Solicitors
MR. DAVIS LOVE III
SEA ISLAND, GA
Dear Mr. Love III:
This is being sent to you, via email, on Monday morning, September 12th, at 10:45 a.m.
As solicitors to our client, celebrated and beloved columnist and dedicated golfer James Deeks, we have been requested by him to inform you that he will be extremely displeased should you not include him as one of your so-called “Captain’s Picks” for the American team at the 2016 Ryder Cup.
Mr. Deeks, as you will well know, has written to you in the past, stating his willingness, enthusiasm, and suitability for being a member of the U.S. team. You have not only ignored his outreach, but have in fact hung up the phone during conversations with Mr. Deeks; failed to respond to his emails; willfully ignored his skywriting messages over the U.S. Capitol building; and successfully sought an injunction to prevent his television network advertising campaign.
Consequently, we have no recourse other than to send this strongly-worded letter.
We understand that you will be making your Captain’s Pick selections within the next several minutes. We advise you with the strongest possible fervor to include Mr. Deeks as part of your team.
The repercussions for not doing so may be swift, and severe. We will not outline the means of revenge that are at our disposal, but suffice it to say, the readers of Fairways Magazine will be made aware, and May God Have Mercy on Your Soul when that occurs.
Before closing, we remind you that Mr. Deeks has more than justified his suitability for the U.S. team in the following ways:
- Promised to work on his game in the 14 days between selection and the Ryder Cup, to bring his handicap down to single digits, where it resided through most of the 1990s
- Promised to hold, at his expense, all team meetings at his home in Toronto, prior to regrouping in Minnesota
- Promised to compose a team song, which (for simplicity purposes) may be sung along to the tune of “Sugar Sugar” by the Archies
- Promised to provide all team members with handsome knitted headcovers embroidered with the words “United Estates”, which were left over from a recent real estate convention in Mexico. (The “E” can easily be obliterated with red Sharpies provided at Mr. Deeks’ expense.)
- Promised to provide all team members with selfie sticks, to enable even more photographs with fans
- Promised to provide all team members with free subscriptions to Fairways, at his personal expense
- Promised to fill in for all other team members at post-game media scrums. A former media adviser, Mr. Deeks is adept at answering media questions; he was once referred to, in print, by a noted Canadian golf columnist as “the Newt Gingrich of Canadian golf”. His ability to say “no comment” in English and French is exemplary, even when a comment may be warranted.
- Promised to serve as Non-Playing Captain in 2019, should the S. team fail, once again, to win the Ryder Cup.
We hope that you will agree that these offers of support are not only selfless, but unprecedented. We are at a loss to understand how these could be ignored up to this point.
Nonetheless, Mr. Deeks is waiting by the phone to hear from you, prior to your news conference. Rest assured, he looks forward to joining the team.
Should you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact our office. Our receptionist, Dionysus, will direct you to the appropriate intern.
Yours very truly,
EATON, FYSHE & LOVINET