24 Absolute Laws of Golf

Welcome to 2022!

So far, it’s been a pretty quiet year. The PGA Tour gets underway this week in Hawaii where most of last year’s tournament winners will tee it up in the Sentry Tournament of Champions; golf equipment manufacturers are starting to trickle out news about their latest and greatest; and here at home we’re buried under the usual blanket of snow, dreaming about Spring and our next round of golf.

Unfortunately, Covid is still with us and the latest Omicron variant has caused more shutdowns, closures and travel disruptions. If you’re double vaxxed and boosted, it’s nothing more than an inconvenience but it still sucks to stay home. I was looking forward to some golf travel this month. I guess that will have to wait.

We’ll get to the serious golf stuff in the weeks ahead. In the interim, enjoy the 24 Absolute Laws of Golf. I can’t claim credit for writing them. They were sent to me by my brother at Christmas and then by another reader a few days later but in both cases no author was mentioned. Maybe they just exist in the Universe because they’re true.

Happy New Year!

LAW 1:

No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a worse one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2:

Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3:

Brand new golf balls are water magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy too.

LAW 4:

Golf balls never bounce off trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5:

The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 6:

A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.

LAW 7:

All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother-in-Law does not come close.

LAW 8:

Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3.

LAW 9:

The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 10:

Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 11:

All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.

LAW 12:

Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.

LAW 13:

If it isn’t broke, try changing your grip.

LAW 14:

It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8. (THIS is how one-handed putting started!)

LAW 15:

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

LAW 16:

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

LAW 17:

It’s not a gimme if you’re still 4 feet away.

LAW 18:

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

LAW 19:

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

LAW 20:

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

LAW  21:

If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard.

LAW 22:

There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: (i) how many hands you have, and (ii) which one is wearing the glove.

LAW  23:

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

LAW  24:

Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.