The final piece: How a band of brothers showed me the way to get unstuck
“Why does golf hate me?”
When Howard Glassman posed this question on our Swing Thoughts podcast, it was obviously a joke, but it sure cut close to the bone.
Every golfer wants to improve, but few ever do. And we don’t know why which frustrates the hell out of us.
In the third and final instalment of my “origin story” about what influenced me to write my new book—Getting Unstuck: Seven Transformational Practices for Golf Nerds—I note that becoming aware of my self-defeating behaviours allowed me to move forward, both as a player and a coach.
In my last newsletter, I described how Fred Shoemaker’s coaching around “awareness” helped me lower my index from nine to six in three months during the 2013 golf season.
Around the same time, I was also taking a deeper dive into what I used to call “men’s work,” which also did wonderful things for my golf.
What the hell is “men’s work?” Well, as they, I’ll show rather than tell.
To put things in context, I need to go back to the early 2000s. Even though I was—and still am—married to an amazing woman, we had two beautiful young boys, and I was consulting in the golf industry, I felt stuck, muted, mediocre and, worse, boring. I wasn’t writing, playing music or doing anything remotely creative. Not even golf; I was an insert-tab-A-into-slot-B mechanical golfer.
I didn’t feel like I was fully present to myself or my family; I was forever distracted and seeking—something.
In 2003, I took a risk: I was initiated into the ManKind Project, a world-wide organization of about 80,000 men dedicated to “making the world a better place one man at a time.” MKP is secular and non-profit.
I went to a MKP weekend retreat called a New Warrior Training Adventure (NWTA). It was the craziest, wildest and most loving and affirming experience of my life. The greatest gift I ever gave myself. It cracked me wide open.
Through MKP, I gradually started to realize why I felt like such a wet noodle. I realized, among other things, that I was a cautious, contained man driving through life with one foot over the brake. I had to look good, hard-working, competent, and professional at all times. And for God’s sake, don’t make a mistake!
Screw that! I didn’t want to be Percy Milquetoast. I wanted to be Jimi Hendrix who for a Roman Catholic white kid from the suburbs represented vitality and mastery, plus he played his guitar like he was humping it.
I went to weekly “circles” with fellow MKP brothers and staffed NWTAs as a volunteer. In most parts of my life, I became far more open and awake. My feelings were no longer scary monsters. I could take responsibility when I messed up. I stopped running away from conflict—well, from most conflicts—which was important in a home with two teenage boys.
By 2013 when I had my golf breakthrough, I was on MKP’s “leader track.” Along the way, I became skilled at facilitating men. I had a knack for making men feel safe to voice feelings and thoughts they previously bottled up, and to face their fears and stories and work through them.
In leading this work, I was also doing my own. I was becoming more aware of how my limiting self-beliefs and stories screwed me over. It was becoming much clearer to me that what held me back in my life also held me back in my golf.
Namely, to alleviate my anxieties, I was like an addict compulsively seeking freedom from pain. I wanted so badly to be a great golfer, but I was always frustrated and disappointed. It sucked to suck. I chronically sought information that I hoped would perfect my swing and make me happy. But as Fred Shoemaker says, X + Y rarely adds up to the result we crave.
Until MKP, Fred Shoemaker, a whole whack of books and meltdowns, I wasn’t aware that I did this. As in golf and in life, I was slowly learning that “awareness is curative.”
In 2015, I combined my MKP skills with my golf knowledge and experience and jumped into coaching golfers in the mental game. As the years went on, through Fred Shoemaker’s influence, I also started coaching golfers in the physical aspects of hitting shots. The next year, Howard Glassman started our Swing Thoughts podcast, which provided us with access to world experts in golf, psychology, mindfulness and more.
Over time, I began to see with greater clarity what caused golf nerds to feel frustrated and incapable of making the improvement they craved.
It wasn’t what they thought—that they were unathletic, they didn’t have the right information, they started golf late, they had too many bad habits, their father yelled at them, or they were short-changed when golf genes were handed out.
What keeps golfers stuck is their self-sabotaging behaviour patterns.
The things that golfers do. More precisely, what they reactively feel compelled to do to relieve their feelings of anxiety, frustration, disappointment, sadness, disgust and even shame.
Most golfers are unaware of their behaviours. They lurch around unconsciously. Sorry, but that’s the deal.
Through my research, mis-adventures and the occasional eureka moment, I experienced firsthand that it’s possible to transform our behaviours and move forward; every person can move from one way of being to another.
But it’s not through thinking about it.
We transform by increasing our self-awareness. And we sharpen our awareness by integrating practices—such as meditation, creating a mission, and gratitude—into our lives. These practices, some of which are centuries old, are not difficult, expensive or time consuming. But they are used by elite golfers and performers in all parts of life.
These practices are portals to self-discovery, growing your awareness and transforming your golf—and possibly—your life. They allow you to access your innate brilliance and your true self.
I’m excited about my new book because I believe the practices and insights are equally applicable to all parts of our lives.
Although I largely took this year off from golf to focus on this book and another, I’ve never hit the ball better in my life. And I’m 67.
But that’s only a small part of what’s happened: I’m having more fun, playing with greater freedom, and savouring far more of the many gifts that golf has to offer.
Through these practices, I have re-engaged with what I love doing—writing and speaking to individual golfers, at their clubs and to organizations about transforming the behaviours that keep us stuck and how we can move forward. (I’m also playing bass again, now in a punk band.)
I’m fortunate that I love what I do, which is summed up in my mission: As a compassion and intentional man, I create a world where people can be their true selves.
Many of my golf clients are now playing with greater mastery, lowering their scores and improving their play in tournaments, but they’re also playing with greater joy and satisfaction. These principles and practices have also led to positive changes in their family and work lives.
I’m excited about this book because it’s the first I’ve written based on my experiences and convictions as a player and coach rather than as a journalist.
I hope you enjoy the book, you relate to the stories, find it entertaining and that it leads you to your own sense of mastery, greater awareness, joy and satisfaction in your golf and in your life.
Along with Getting Unstuck, I’m also the author of The Feeling of Greatness: The Moe Norman Story, and co-host of the Swing Thoughts podcast.
If you’re interested in golf coaching or workshops for your organization, please send an email to tim@oconnorgolf.ca. I invite you to check out www.oconnorgolf.ca.